House Muslims Announce Day of Mourning

August 25, 2011
Having failed to receive an invitation to this year’s White House’s annual iftar dinner, CAIR, ISNA and Park51 shut their offices to mark a day of mourning.
“We are trying to console ourselves through this bewildering rejection,” stated CAIR director Nihad Awad in a press release. “Having spent years proving my patriotism, I was shocked to not receive an invitation. I had in mind some really good ideas to help the President win the war on terrorism and win hearts and minds. Like, offering people in Afghanistan and Iraq dates and iced water to break their fast on.
ISNA stated in a release “It’s useless. We keep offering the US Government our best and brightest youth as interns, translators and soldiers. We not only fail to condemn US war criminals, we even pose for pictures with them. Is it too much to ask for an iftar invitation?”
House Muslims were feeling especially sore for missing out on the opportunity to dine with Israeli ambassador Michael Oren, who made an appearance. House Muslims furiously searched their records to find the unwitting  intern who must have accidentally said the word “Palestine” during an interfaith meeting. Oren stated:
“This time, in addition to the privilege, I felt at home. Around me sat representatives of the Muslim countries, many of whom are my acquaintances, as well as Ambassadors of Muslim countries, many of whom I consider to be my esteemed colleagues.”
“This is the worst Ramadan ever,” said Faisal Abdul Rauf. “At this point, I’d be willing to settle for White House iftar leftovers.”
“Just because I’m secular doesn’t mean I wouldn’t appreciate a White House iftar invitation,” mumbled Hussein Ibish of the ATFP. 
“I’ll never advise the US government how to invade a country again,” complained Husham Al-Husainy, known for his role in rallying support for the invasion of Iraq in 2003. “I help them destroy a 4,000 year old civilization and I don’t even get a lousy iftar invitation?”
 House Muslims put together an action plan to help their chances of receiving invitations to next year’s White House iftar:
  1. Find a sheikh willing to issue a fatwa to change the qibla (where Muslims face during prayer) from Mecca to Washington.
  2. Require stars and stripes hijabs at all times.
  3. Never underestimate the power of prayer. Pray to Allah the Almighty to strike mercy in the hearts of the White House and make them send an invitation next year.
  4. Find a sheikh who can ban any traces of mention of justice for occupied peoples in sermons and prayers.
  5. Ask Zionists at interfaith meetings if there are any verses of the Qur’an they’d like edited out.
The Invaders' Shoeshiners
Badr Shakir Al-Sayyab
"I am what you want: I am contemptible
The shoe shiner for the conquerors,
and the vendor of blood and conscience
for tyrants. I am a crow
feeding off the corpses of
chicken. I am destruction,
I am ruination!
The lip of the harlot
is more chaste than my heart,
and the wings of flies
are purer and warmer
than my hands. As you wish...
I am contemptible!
But my eyeballs have--if they
followed your steps and recognized
your features and trembling--two
that will weave your trap
and the edges of the blood-soaked
coffin, and two coals
terrifying your sight, if not burn you!


Translation by As'ad Abu Khalil

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If you sit by a river long enough, you'll see the body of your enemy float by.
Old Japanese proverb