The Zionist Handbook: A guide to defending Israel against Mean People

Two men, including Israeli president Shimon Peres, appear unhappy while eating ice cream

In the past few years, Israel has faced unprecedented criticism for killing children, bulldozing homes, ethnic cleansing, land theft, anti-Black racism, a discriminatory legal system, continued settlement building, violations of international law, lobbying to bomb Iran and general unpleasantness.
What follows are 23 handy arguments you can use to counter nonsense
such as facts and evidence in defense of fair Israel’s honor:
  1. But … but … everybody else does bad things, too!
  2. Democracy. We have it. You don’t.
  3. The Holocaust!
  4. When logic and facts have gone against you, proclaim, “You’re
    being really mean!” (Note: if you are a white woman, it is recommended
    that you cry at this point.)
  5. Gaza has tunnels! And rockets! How is our army, with its $15 billion annual budget and nuclear weapons, supposed to cope?
  6. Nuh uh. G-d said so. It’s all right there in the Bible.
  7. I’m the victim here!
  8. HitlerHajjHusseiniProtocolsGarbleGarbleHitlerHusseiniHitlerHitlerPalestineHitler
  9. Terrorism! Oh so much terrorism! Teeerrrraaaah! T to the E to
    the R to the R to the O to the R to the I to the S to the M. Did I
    mention terrorism? (Note: spelling out the word also conveniently
    implicates the International Solidarity Movement in terrorism).
  10. Anti-Semitism!
  11. EVERYTHING. YOU’RE. SAYING. JUST. ISN’T. FAIR. (Note: This is a good time to bring up anti-Semitism again).
  12. Look, buddy, if the ADL says it, it must be true. It’s a civil rights organization.
  13. Hamas!
  14. This conversation is making me uncomfortable. (Remember: it’s all about you and how you feel).
  15. But we love the gay people!
  16. The Prawer Plan is inevitable: tribal peoples have always stood in the way of progress.
  17. My grandparents may be from Poland, but my ancestors are from Samaria.
  18. Should Americans give the land back to the Indians? (Note: This
    argument will be especially persuasive with liberals, who, while
    professing loud support for Native Americans, find the notion of
    empowering Indians or ceding any of their privilege to be comical).
  19. Hey, we only tried to steal 54 percent of your country back in the day and you, like, got all mad about it.
  20. Einstein, Arendt and Buber were simplistic thinkers compared to Dershowitz, Horowitz and Friedman.
  21. The Arabs used to eat matzo ball soup and kreplach before we introduced them to hummus, falafel and tabbouli.
  22. There was never a Palestinian state. Ancient Israel, on the other
    hand, wasn’t just a biblical epoch, but a member of the UN in good
  23. We are a light upon all the nations. Now if you would kindly quit singling out Israel

1 comment:

  1. Great list but you only mentioned the Hollowcoast as a reason ONCE! It needs to be mentioned 6 million times to really count.


If you sit by a river long enough, you'll see the body of your enemy float by.
Old Japanese proverb