‘Beirut blitz’ halted by traffic (satire)

ISIS tank stuck in traffic near the Port of Beirut (Photoshopped by NOW)

After coalescing in the eastern lands of war-torn Syria and launching lightening attacks across Iraq, the Idiot Sycophants of Islamist Saboteurs (ISIS)—a self-described “anti-bikini, pro-beheadings paramilitary successor to al-Qaeda in Iraq”—has postponed its invasion of Beirut, Lebanon.

Ibn al-Fashal, an ISIS security czar, told NOW’s Chief Caliphate Correspondent that “ISIS remains committed to controlling the swaths of land between Beirut and Baghdad, but that [the organization’s] leaders are pragmatic about Lebanese particularities that could impede a rapid takeover.”

“To begin with, Hezbollah and the Lebanese Armed Forces have been guarding the Lebanon-Syria border and key thoroughfares rather carefully in recent months. In a broader sense, moreover, Lebanon’s cacophony of communities would make it difficult for us to win hearts and minds across the board—even if we succeeded in swaying a few Sunnis. And, most of all, there’s your fucking traffic.”

“Excuse my fusha, but it’s impossible to get anything done in Lebanon! Traffic, traffic, traffic.”

“ISIS has repeatedly attempted to blitz Beirut in recent months,” al-Fashal explained, somewhat apologetically, during a phone call on his way to our scheduled interview in downtown Beirut. “However, our entry from the east proved difficult: our commanders deemed Dahr al-Baydar too dangerous, as it is littered with reckless van drivers and scooter heroes…

Bottom line: we’ll fucking detonate ourselves for a good cause, but none of us wants to be taken out by the Hawa Chicken deliveryman. After initial progress down the Dhour-Choueir road, we ran into an inconsiderate convoy of camionet (trucks)—probably delivering arms to Hezbollah, by the way. Assholes.”

“Our descent from the north was repeatedly obstructed by forces beyond our control! First, we took the wrong exit off the highway and ended up in fucking Zouk Mikayel, where some garden-variety Christian thugs stared us down—one enemy at a time, you know? Then, the Antelias Bridge collapsed, probably under the weight of Caliph Baghdaddy’s bling.

 From there, we got stuck in outrageous traffic caused by the imbecilic traffic flow arrangements near Geant Mall. W baaden, ta kafillak khayeh (So afterward, to continue the story, bro), we tried to take the seaside road, but some dumbass cops had blocked it off and unilaterally decided to reverse traffic flow for the afternoon.

“We tried to take the road up from the south, too, but some folks were—wlik rooh ya hmar (get out of here, you idiot)! Sorry, habibeh Tannous, but some asshole just decided to back up two miles because he’s missed his exit—Anyway, like I was saying, we tried to invade from the south but some folks were having yet another impromptu Bring Your Own Tire barbeque.

Akel Kaffen, a moderate Beirut Sunni compelled to quietly support ISIS because of communal string of defeats in Lebanon’s internal pissing contests, took the phone. “This is al-Fashal’s fixer... Keefak?”

“Yalla, wasleen!” he said frantically, as drivers honked their horns and spun their tires all around him. “15… 20 minutes, max. We’re near the ‘Port.’ Wallah.”

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Old Japanese proverb